Heads up Dad on the sh*t no one tells you about
Surprisingly for the amount of apps, blogs and books on pregnancy, birth and beyond, there are quite a few things no one tells you about. Well, you know us, we like to share. So we decided to write them down and bare all. These may not all happen to you but we can guarantee that most of them will.
YOUR NIPPLES WILL TRIPLE IN SIZE & SHADE
Thats right ladies, it's all glam. From conception your nipples will gradually grow and darken to resemble dark dinner plates. Although shocking, there is actually a lovely reason it's so that your calf can find your udders on arrival and since they can only see in black and white.. enter black nipple.. we know... you'd rather they come out holding a torch or a map.
YOUR WATERS BREAKING IS NOT LIKE THE MOVIES
Your waters are not a tidal wave that sounds like a water balloon hitting the floor. Nope, that would be far too easy to detect. They are more like a warm dribble down your inner thigh which can be confused with wetting yourself, but that would probably make for terrible television.
KKW says it best, and top marks to her for 'trying to pretend nothing has changed' . Our toes were stumps that blended into a flump like foot and we lived in sliders because none of our shoes fit. But if they are the only thing that swells you are doing pretty well.
YOU HAVE TO GIVE BIRTH TWICE
NO we are not just on about the multiple births. The placenta needs to come out too and if its going out the baby maker then it is going to need a push, that thing is like another baby, injection or not.
Despite the horror stories, labour is amazing and empowering whichever way they come out. Some ladies love it a bit too much.. if you know what we mean.
PILES ARE FOR LIFE, NOT JUST FOR PREGNANCY.
Need we say more?
EVERYONE GOES THROUGH IT
Yes even the most glamourous of your friends, even they have had at least on of these symptoms. They may not want to share with the world, and that is ok. But rest sure they too are going through these things with you.
SO MUCH SALIVA
Lauren had so much saliva whilst pregnant- and sick as a dog- that they named her tissues 'spitty tissue' where she couldn't even swallow her own saliva without feeling horrendous so just spat it out. YUP. THATS THE SHIT RIGHT THERE.
Not only are your nipples huge and dark, they are also sore and hard angry boobies that leak if anything cries in a 5 mile radius. B feeding or no b feeding! Get the Cabbages in, it works.
More like 24 hour a day for 6 weeks sweats.
AFTER BIRTH PAINS
These bad boys hit us like a bus. Not only have you just been through hours of labour and pushed a baby out your bits, you then get after pains. This is your uterus contracting back down after housing the babe. Essentially, more contractions. Some people don't experience pain, especially after the first one but holy hell it was like labour again and worse with each babe OUCH!!
YOUR MILK MAY NOT COME IN STRAIGHT AWAY
Jess's took 5 days with the twins. Do not panic. Ask your midwife for help.
YOU WILL BLEED FOR WEEKS AFTER
It's impressive how much blood a women can lose and still survive. Check your iron levels, take supplements if needed ( these make your poo black & you constipated so you may need to take a loosener- ha- VOM). Wear HUGE nappy pads, in huge pants, and do not be ashamed. This is normal.
The highs and lows that come with your first period after birth. The highs; well your not pregnant. The lows; your period may take a couple of months to come back especially if your breast feeding. When it does the first one at least is generally heavier and slightly more painful. Buy chocolate, take paracetamol and prepare for the storm.
Theirs.. black sticky tar, actually!
Yours.. just think back to labour and breath.
YOUR FIRST WEE
Take a squirty water bottle and give her a little coaxing and stay hydrated!
Buy a huge steriliser, you'll spend the first year of their life sterilising everything, to then let them eat stuff off the floor with the dog.
‘Tricky day number 5’ You’re so happy, really fucking tired but so happy, and then all of a sudden you feel incredibly sad, like you’ve had all the happy sucked out of you. It’s like a black hole swollows you and you feel like maybe you won’t be able to get out. But a week or so later you are back. The changes in chemical and hormone levels are to blame. Its hormones... you'll be fine
It may not happen over night but the baby belly will shrink down and you will love your body, maybe not in the way where you are posting Belfies on the gram but in more of an admiration way. What it has done is amazing.
YOU FORGET EVERYTHING AND DO IT AGAIN.