The 'taboo' topic By Nikki Johnson
The middle of last summer suddenly my whole world was changing, and little did I know that I was about to embark on the roller coaster of motherhood.
My husband (Ben) and I had planned on starting a family, however wasn't quite expecting things to fall into place so quickly. Following a week or two of feeling, well quite frankly dire, I decided to do a pregnancy test (obviously I wouldn't be, would I???). Well there I am at 3.45am before work sat staring at the illusive stick, reading 1-2weeks pregnant...... Jesus that was quick! I refrained from bursting back into the bedroom like a lunatic and decided I'd wait for a more sensible time to surprise Ben with the good news.
He was obviously just as stupidly excited as I was, that this was IT, we were REALLY going to be parents.
The next few weeks flew by with us both being busy. I was still in full swing at the height of the competition season with my horses, Ben heavily wrapped up in silly season on the farm. The usual new expectant mother tick list was happening....
Tender boobs ✔️
Boobs becoming larger... (Wtf where did they come from) ✔️
Feeling sick ✔️
Extreme tiredness ✔️
Mood swings(I found myself crying at the most stupid TV programmes) ✔️
Little did I know that on 30th August our amazing little bubble in life was about to be burst with a big fat painful pin. I had been feeling exceptionally naff all day, but couldn't really put my finger on why. Then in the evening it all suddenly became very clear, the dreaded sight of blood. As much as I tried to convince myself that some people do bleed throughout a full term pregnancy, I knew full well that for me this wasn't the case.... I had FAILED. Why me??? ( it's actually mad once you talk about it, how many people open up and tell you about their experience. I never realised so many people I knew had gone through the same).
The first week after it had been confirmed that I'd had a miscarriage it was tough.... I mean why wouldn't it be? I was still bleeding way heavier than I ever had and felt quite frankly pretty shit about myself. My body in my eyes had failed so suddenly on doing the one thing that both Ben and I had been so joyful of originally. As far as I was aware our whole world had done some sort of somersault upside down. I felt a huge failure for Ben, like I'd drastically let him down. And extremely sad about all the 'what could have beens'.
I am very fortunate to have amazing family and friends who were there just to listen to my drivel and sobbing and allow me to come through it very quickly.... A best friend that turns up with a big fat almond croissant,costa coffee, monstrous bear hug and a listening ear were appreciated greatly.
With coming from a farming background I see it quite frequently with the animals, that when something isn't quite right Mother Nature does what she needs (bitch).
As unfair as it is, and as much as I really didn't want it to happen. I realised that in a sick twisted way my body had worked how it should, something wasn't right and something wasn't meant to be, which I'm a firm believer in. As the weeks went by I started to feel better about what had happened, and realised actually how much it had upset Ben. I naively sort of assumed that he'd be fine, after all he's a bloke and it wasn't his body. He was there every time I needed him and took his feelings for granted about it. He didn't blame me one bit, that was my own demon biting me on the backside assuming he would agree with me blaming myself. Should I have done something different? Was it that I lightly knocked my tummy by accident? Was it because I had drank a glass of wine before I realised I was expecting? Being humans, we are very good at blaming ourselves, or someone else, it's never the 'just one of those things'.
Another month went by, each day getting slightly easier and back to feeling the nearly normal me again and then BAM, I woke up one morning feeling pretty groggy. While out with my mum stood on the middle of an escalator in a shopping centre suddenly feeling light headed and like I was about to spew all over the person in front I knew, I knew that I'd been given a second chance at becoming a mother. Sure enough after going through quite frankly a stock pile of pregnancy tests that even Boots would be proud of, it was confirmed I was indeed expecting again.
As amazing as this news was, it filled me with dread.... Would the same happen again, was I kidding myself that everything would be fine? Being pregnant after a miscarriage brings a whole different issue of hormonal induced head fucks and constant knicker watch.
The next 9 months I had jumped on a completely different roller coaster... One that made me very sick indeed (thank you very much hyperemesis gravidarum) but I wouldn't change it for the world.
I am ecstatic to say that on 13th July 2016 our perfect rainbow baby Olivia Rose was welcomed into the world. I shall never forget having the miscarriage and the what ifs? But sat here starring at Olivia asleep in my arms I can't imagine it having happened any other way and realise just how lucky I am.
Massive hugs to all the woman out there having experienced a loss. Cry, laugh, drink, talk, eat copious amounts of chocolate. Do what you need to do to get through the hard times and realise that you are not alone and that you truly are AMAZING.