My still born story By Jade Jackson @jadejackson_x
In May 2014, I discovered that I was 6 weeks pregnant with my first baby. Once we discovered we were pregnant we couldn’t wait to tell our family. We even brought a pram before our first scan! My pregnancy was perfect other than the fact I puked - a lot.
In January 2015 my due date came and passed and we were so eager for our little boy to come along, we had everything ready. We went to the hospital that night so excited that we were about to meet our first child, finally! I won’t go in to details about my labour - but it was tough.
On the morning of Wednesday 28th January 2015 at 7.14am Troy was delivered by emergency forceps. He was placed on to my chest and quickly taken away again before I had the chance to hold him. He made one gasp as he was born and then nothing. Doctors and midwives all rushed to our room to resuscitate him. He was then rushed to the neonatal unit to be put on to a life support machine to keep him breathing. We were told a few hours later that Troy was very sick due to being starved of oxygen at birth and that there is a big chance that he would have severe brain damage due to the lack of oxygen. We stayed in hospital with Troy for the next 2 days. We sat and we cried and hoped and prayed that he would be ok, he was our miracle baby. He fought for those 2 days despite everything that was happening to him. On 30th January our fears became reality and we were given the devastating news that Troy had suffered really severe brain damage and that he would never be able to breathe on his own and that the life support machine would need to be switched off. Our whole world crashed. That night we asked all of our family to come and say their goodbyes to Troy. We finally got to hold our baby. After 9 months of carrying Troy I couldn’t wait to get him in my arms. We sat and held him for a few hours, our family got to have a cuddle too. After our family left, Troy passed away in his daddy’s arms. We left the hospital with empty arms. Everybody was expecting the exciting news of our baby being born yet we had to tell everyone that he had died. The next few weeks were like a blur. We were grieving. I was so exhausted with grief that I felt like I just wanted to constantly sleep. I couldn’t eat or think I just wanted to sleep. We had great support around us but nothing eased the pain. I just wanted to be with my baby and I wished that I had died too. Troy had to have a post mortem so it took over 2 weeks for his funeral. The funeral was one of the hardest things we had to do - to say our last goodbye to our little boy. Up until that day a part of me was still praying that he would wake up. All of our close friends and family came to the funeral, and it was really comforting to be able to sit with our friends at the wake, I felt slightly human again.
A few weeks later, I told my partner that I wanted another baby. I was still grieving and I didn’t want to replace Troy, but I had an overwhelming urge to have a baby and was desperate to have a family. I started to become hopeful and hope is a powerful thing. In April 2015 we discovered that I was pregnant, again! We had such mixed emotions, we were happy but we were so scared because we knew too well the worst that could happen. Throughout my pregnancy I tried to remain positive for our baby, and I spoke to Troy about it a lot, I found it comforting to talk to him and wanted him to be involved as he was a big brother. We found out that we were expecting a little girl! The pregnancy was tough, We decided not to set up a nursery this time and not to go out buying new things and that we would do these things once the baby was born. We only purchased a new crib to be placed in to our room once the baby had arrived.
Our beautiful daughter Gianna was delivered on 10th December 2015 via a planned cesarean section. We were terrified and just wanted to hear her cry, and my god did she cry! She is such a beautiful blessing and she looks so much like her big brother. We are incredibly proud of both of our baby’s. Our lives will never be the same since losing Troy, and we will never get over losing him, but he will always be a huge part of our lives and we take strength from that.