I lost my Mum and my Son in six short weeks By Hannah White
Imagine being 29 weeks pregnant at 18, emotional but happy. Your mum keeps sending you messages with the name "Harry" I liked the name too and I had recently found out I am expecting a little boy so everything was becoming real. Tuesday 16th November 2010 my Mum and I went to a routine midwife appointment "oh listen Hannah to the beautiful sound, I will get the first hold when he's born" with tears coming from my Mothers eyes. That day we went to Nantwich shopping and we planned to go to Stoke on the Saturday with my sister, it had always been us three I moved out at 16 but we all remained so close. We were going baby shopping and Mum very rarely left Nantwich as she was my Nannas full time carer, but she arranged for a family member to sit with Nanna while she spent the day with "her girls" as she liked to call us. Wednesday arrived and I was on a late shift, Mum text me saying "I love you Mummy to be" I replied saying I loved her too and would call her on my way home from work.
End of shift arrived and I rang Mum while I walked home, she was happy and talking more about Harry and how she couldn't wait to be a Nanna (a young Nanna at the age of 41!). I arrived home and caught up with the soaps. 1am Thursday 18th, I wasn't sleeping I rang Mums phone which she kept on loud every night since I found out I was pregnant. She didn't answer so I left it but I lay awake just wondering about my "new life" with a baby!
7am My phone was ringing.. "Hannah, you need to come here quick she's not waking up I don't know what to do we have rang a ambulance" I froze. Who wasn't waking up? In my heart I knew. I grabbed what ever clothes were near my bed and started running and stopping every two minutes as I could hardly breath being 29 weeks pregnant. I arrived.. Our local first responder was there in fact he was a friend of Mums, "Hannah I am so sorry we did everything we could your sister is with her". I dropped to the floor with the next door neighbour cradling me. I needed to be with her! I arrived inside to see my sister in bits her friend by her side who had called me, she looked so peaceful stress free? Almost flawless in fact? Mum hated her skin but she looked beautiful. I held her hand and kissed her. My best friend my Mum just gone? So many questions.
How will I go on in life without her? How will I have this baby without my Mum? Nothing makes sense.
Christmas arrived and we all put a brave face on and tried to get through why? Because it was Mums favourite time of the year and we wanted to honour her.
29th December 2010, I had been to hospital with protein in my wee and suspected pre-eclampsia for several weeks in and out. Baby had reduced movements but had been active last night he was the reason I got through the last few weeks. Midwife came in to do my blood pressure and Doppler, bp was high! Heartbeat was hard to find but she was adamant she had found it. She sent me for a scan. Something wasn't right? I felt alone? Like Harry wasn't there? I was 34+4 weeks pregnant why did I feel funny?
A lady came in to greet me she said she was going to listen in with the doppler and then take me through for the scan and redo my bloody pressure.
Hannah, I cant hear anything but he could have changed position which makes it more difficult to hear.
In the scan room I waited anxiously waiting for them to put the gel on and tell me he's ok. "Hannah I am so sorry your baby's heart has stopped" Silence.. I could feel eyes on me. How? When did his heart stop and why? Is it my fault? I was induced and I had to inform all my close relatives what had happened.
January 1st 2011. Harry was born. Beautiful, ten fingers, ten toes, blonde hair, chubby face just perfect but silent. Goodbye my baby. I will never forget you and I will always take your memory with me.
I declined a post mortem as I just thought he had been through enough and I wanted him rest I didn't want him to suffer but I did allow for his cord and placenta to be sent off for testing, three months later and I was called back to see a consultant. It wasn't my fault! I needed to stop trying to find ways to blame myself. There was a hole in his placenta which caused him to starve of oxygen. This was something out of my control.
One of the most common questions I get asked is.. How do/did you cope? I don't know. Thats the honest answer I really didn't know how to cope, losing my Mum so suddenly and then to lose what little hope I had left of a future, but my Mum and Harry never asked to leave this world so I was never going to give up, don't get me wrong several times I thought I needed to be with them and I would be better off giving up but I didn't.
Nearly six years on..
I have two beautiful girls
Amelia is four my first rainbow! Born 6lb 13oz kicking and screaming in march 2012. Very hard pregnancy and expecting everything to go wrong, she's a little bugger and I have to remind myself daily just how precious she is to me, even when shes causing havoc and grey hairs at the age of 24 I have to cover up.
Then there is Evie. She's two nearly three after Christmas! She was born in feb 2014.. 6lb 9oz she also entered the world screaming and she's still very good at screaming! She's really going through the terrible twos at the moment! But shes also very precious to me.
Both the girls are very young to understand why Nanny Jo isn't around, why there brother is mentioned but they haven't met him? Only seen photos. However they both mention Mum and Harry quite often.
I will never ever forget the pain of losing two loved ones so quickly but my daughters are a huge blessing in my life and I truly believe when my mum said she would get the first cuddle she did in one way, she's getting more up there with him than me and shes waiting for when its my turn to leave the world, I am not at all religious but the only way to get through anything in life is to hope for the best and always remember everybody deserves happiness.