Google while you wait
In the UK at 37 weeks you are considered 'Full term'. This means should your babe decide to descend after 37 weeks of cooking it will not be considered premature, it is fully formed. Whilst these guidelines are medically sound, and give those mums to be with eager bubs the reassurance they need when they go into labour what they selfishly do not consider is that by giving these guidelines out to the rest of us first time preggos we think, from that date, our baby is going to come EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!!
That could be FIVE WHOLE WEEKS of the waiting game, and let me tell you since you can't really do anything that will be the longest five weeks of your life.
So what do we do in those five weeks. Well, we Google of course.
Now let me begin by saying that we preggos have been googling since day ONE of seeing the double blue line, that's just a fact. So by week 37 if we haven't already signed up to the forums we are definitely still stalking Peggy from Ohio who back in 2003 also ate prawn toast and wondered if she should call A&E.
But by week 37 you are on the last leg, the finale, the grand final, the finish line is in site and that brings on a whole load of pregnancy insomnia which coincides with a whole lot more Google.. So what exactly do we (I) google. Well I decided to look through my history (brave I know) and spill. Here is what I found; *CAUTION: if you aren't yet pregnant I am sorry, if you are then you know. Also some of these make me sound less than intelligent, which I'm comfortable with. You've all done the same.
'What does a mucus plug look like' : Now be warned this is NOT for the faint hearted TREAD WITH CAUTION. Possibly one of Googles worst moves accepting images of peoples plugs online. Now tell me WHO are these people that think it is ok to take a picture of theirs and upload it. You are not ok people, even if you have helped me work out what the hell i'm supposed to be looking for you are NOT ok.
Also plug related:
'If I wipe hard enough will I pull it out' No real explanation needed.
'Can sneezing trigger labour' Is it just me or every time you sneeze, not only does it feel like your waters break (fuck you kegel) but that you might sneeze the kid out. *Mothers everywhere laugh loudly that I am suggesting labour is like a sneeze*
'Will his willy poke the baby in the head' No real explanation needed.
'Is a sweep just like being fingered' Mum if you're reading this I am sorry. But for those that are interested, it is if you're getting finger blasted by a giant foam finger attached to a drill.
'What do contractions feel like' You tend to think every ache or movement is a contraction. Trapped wind is the beast that kids you every time. It has been made known to me (by every mother I know) that 'I'll know' when contractions start compared to trapped gas!
'If I fake tan pre birth will my baby turn yellow and be addicted to biscuits' I mean I haven't seen sun in forever, and I kind of want to look half decent in the sweaty post birth first photo I have with my newborn, but lets be honest st tropez smells like digestives and if it makes your sheets green its bound to turn your kid into a Simpson.
'What will my tummy look like after labour' General consensus is you tend to look about 7 months pregnant instead of 9 or a deflated balloon as a friend of mine put it. Yay!
'If I eat a hot curry to trigger labour, am I more likely to shit myself during labour' No explanation needed.
'If my waters break in Marks & Spencer, do I really get a free shop' There is reason to believe that this one is true! I've pitched up a tent in M&S just incase. Chocolate raisins and melt in the middle chocolate pudding YOU ARE MINE.
I could go on and on.
So as I sit here on my 40th week of pregnancy, bouncing on my birthing ball, drinking raspberry leaf tea, having taken my evening primrose oil, munching on some dates, cooking a curry whilst stimulating my nipples, I wonder if baby doesn't come soon the internet might lock me out, or worse i'll be arrested.