I don't know if I want another baby
The age-old question rears it's head quite frequently and casually at the moment. Thinking about another one?
Erm, I'm sorry love, What did you just say? Another what?
If you had asked me this as little as a month ago, i'd have probably told you where to go because unlike mother hen Jess who seems to pop 'em out like tic tacs and make the whole shebang look like a waddle in the park, I have to admit I found it quite difficult and am unsure I can do it again.
When I think about having another it fills me with mixed opinion. It took us 10 months to fall pregnant with Ronnie, and honestly I feel like i've only just come to a point post trying where I finally feel like I have a handle on life once again. The idea of going back to square one makes me want to lock the chastity belt and move to a nunnery. Now its apparently important to state that this does not mean I do not love my child, quite the opposite in fact, I believe she is gods gift. However trying to conceive her, growing her and birthing her was what I imagine hell to be like (NB: Not the sex....that was excellent). It is a mental and physical war path that you can only really understand if you have had the same struggle.
Not to mention how exhausting it is on the flip side, again feel I need to state how much I love her here. But Holy Christmas I am shattered. Is is just me, is everyone else finding this a doddle? Because I am bloody exhausted. Filled with love and laughter, sure. But also really really knackered. We live far away from my family, and with a husband that works all hours of the week solo parenting is relentless. They say it takes a village, and I couldn't agree more, unfortunetly our village live a good 5 hour drive away.
BUT then can I really see my life with only one sprog?
Let's be honest there is a strange stigma attached to only having one kid. Everyone always asks you why you only had one, assuming you were unable to have another. There is also this strange sense of how lonely that one would be if they didn't have siblings. We assume people, will have more. It's almost a given. I grew up as part of a three, my mum part of four. Both my aunts had three and my older sister is just about to pop with her third too. So having one is slightly unheard of in our family.
Granted there are people unable to have anymore which I whole heartedly appreciate is not what some people want. It is what is chosen for them and that in turn is heart breaking. But what about those that did chose to have only one.
I totally see the reasons why more makes sense. Would just having her make her lonely? Will she be selfish? Unable to share or interact with other children? A social recluse? Will she grow up too quickly only being surrounded by us, adults? Would we be depriving her of a bond like no other, a life long in sickness and in health guaranteed buddy for life?
Would it impact her at all?
Then there is the guilt. Am I being selfish? Am I supposed to just be constantly knackered? Am I taking fertility for granted? Is this what we are supposed to do, recreate? Why would you not give her siblings? Why do you care more for yourself?
Right now I love us three. I love that we get just her all to ourselves. When one of us has her the other is free to fill the cup. But when I am older, and life has quickly passed us by will I regret not being surrounded by more family. Is this knackered phase, just that a phase? Our already big family is what keeps the fire in my veins and the love in my heart. I love big social get togethers, mocking each other, laughing, fighting, sharing. Plus, she is really great. My greatest achievement.
Maybe the answer is that I am just not ready to have another YET. Maybe once the dust has settled and our baby grows i'll forget about the awfulness of morning sickness, pregnancy, birth and the first 4 months of newborn haze.
But maybe I won't?
I'd love to hear what you went through and why you decided to only have one, or what made you want more?